Well, My blog is about me. Meredith Corrine Cameron. A ginger who has a soul. Sometimes I wonder and worry and ponder. So I made this blog. Its nothing specail, but maybe someone out there feels they way I do about some of my posts. That's why I do it.
Have you ever wanted something? Like really badly? I just want death right now. It seems silly to others, why would you want to die they ask? But sometimes there is so much you can take. Which is why this guy at my old school, Taki, commited suicide. No one knows why, but I’m sure he had a reason. Just like I do…
I don’t always feel like this anymore. But today for some reason was just a trigger for me. I want to want to live but it’s just so damn hard…
Just like I want to not have to take medicine for the rest of my life so I stay “sane”.
Maybe Taki killing himself was a sign to me that it’s time for me to kill my self too.
*sigh*
What’s so wrong with me staying happy?
I have a great boyfriend and a loving mom and sisters. I have so much going for me. It’s not like I have it that bad… But it always seems like I do. For heavens sake I could be starving in Africa. And that’s what makes me feel even worse, the fact I get like this when my life really isn’t that bad. I can’t help it I suppose.
Depression and bi-polar suck. And people don’t understand me. In fact, most don’t even like me. Take my soccer team for example, most of them just seem to not like me. So one day I couldn’t take being the odd man out so I started crying on the bus. 3 people asked me what was wrong after me crying for an hour. ONE WHOLE FUCKING HOUR. That just shows me that they don’t care about their teammate. I can’t even play and I still go to practice and all of the games and sit there. Just sit there and hope that I’ll make friends with some of them.
I want to be liked by people and have friends other then my boyfriend. I just don’t understand why it’s so damn hard.
Am I not pretty enough? Am I that weird? Am I too different? Is it the cloths I wear? Is it the friends I do have? Is it my past?
People change if it is my past and they need to realize it.
You are my secret love.
I might’ve gotten prego today. But I can barely bring myself to think about it.
I want to sneak out with Caleb. Not just some random guy like last night.
Well, he isn’t that random it’s not like I don’t know him.
I guess I’m just good at sex. Boys seem to like it a lot.
I hate it though, why do I keep trying? Especially the after sort of thing.
I hate myself for being the way I am.
I want to die.
Why can’t you just fall for me so easily like the rest Caleb?
I really like you. Not love, but like.
I don’t like this whole chasing thing though, it’s getting old.
I sound childish for not getting my way.
Why am I like this?
So I guess I made varsity soccer at my new school. But I’m on 70% restriction because I switched schools… Fantastic. But I’m still on varsity thats all that matters. :)
That statement is completely untrue.
I am an attention whore. I LOVE attention, probably because I have 3 younger sisters. Still, I have to calm it down a little. I realized that today at church when I was talking to the preacher Liannia who told me that a testimony isn’t just about me and what I’ve been through it’s how it relates to God.
I’m obviously not a very Godly person these days. I drink, smoke, do weed, and have sex. A LOT of sex. Which is upsetting to me because I think I’m addicted to trying to find someone who can get me to have an orgasim when I’m not high.
Last time I had sex I was stoned, this was Friday night/ Saterday morning. It felt amazing! But I was so high it actually started to hurt so I made him stop. Oh Bobby I’m so sorry, I feel bad about you not finishing… He was so sweet to me too after. We cuddled in a tent and fell asleep together. And that entire time I was thinking of Caleb. When we were having sex I almost said Caleb.
Dammit. I wish I wasn’t the way I am. Maybe people would be more accepting of me that way.
I feel like I messed up really bad last night at the bonfire I went to. But it was REALLY fun. I can barely remember the guys name (Bobby), and he lives in Hick ville, WI.
I guess I don’t regret it though, it’s a good lifetime experience. Everyone needs one, especially when they’re as hot as he was.
